SBA Mandates Anonymous “Masquerade” Theme for 2013 Barristers’ Ball After Shitshow that was 2012 Barristers’ Ball
In response to overwhelming reports of lost dignity, unbearable shame, and uncontrollable fits of self-loathing from last year’s attendees, Fordham Law’s Student Bar Association has announced that no student will be admitted to the greatly anticipated 2013 Barrister’s Ball without wearing an ornate mask or headpiece that properly conceals that student’s identity.
Students are prohibited from removing their masks at any point in the night, even for health emergencies.
Many students have fully embraced the theme and plan to take additional measures to remain entirely anonymous, no matter the cost. A graduating 3L, who has asked to remain anonymous, plans to attach a digital voice modulator inside her mask. “How you behave at these types of events can really haunt you. Instead of being remembered as the student who advocated human rights on a school-sponsored humanitarian trip to Haiti, you’re suddenly the girl who OD’d on Molly and peed on the DJ’s $2500 stereo system. Anyway, HASHTAG: totally pumped!” she said before cavalierly burning her fingerprints off with a small vat of highly corrosive acid.
The “Masquerade” theme is also expected to add a much-needed element of whimsy to the typically formal and upscale Ball. Attendees should be sure to have their cameras ready to capture the moment their classmates projectile vomit top-shelf champagne through the modest mouth-openings of their beautifully crafted face masks of Venetian porcelain and gold.
The 2013 Barrister’s Ball will be conveniently held at the same location as last year, at lower Manhattan’s Tribeca Rooftop. In a student survey conducted by the SBA, 98% of 2012 attendees responded that they would choose the Tribeca Rooftop again because they “don’t really remember much about it, but it sounds pretty cool I guess.” Students will enjoy breathtaking views of the Hoboken cityscape as they dry heave over the venue’s 360-degree veranda.
–T.S. Rosencrantz, Columnist
*This column is a work of satire and all of the people and incidents described are purely fictional. The opinions expressed are solely expressed for entertainment value and should not be considered the actual opinions of The Record or Fordham Law. The columnist’s name is a pseudonym, to protect the author from employers without a sense of humor.