Fifth Annual Fordham University School of Law “Gunner Games” Approaches
This February marks the fifth annual and highly anticipated “Gunner Games” at Fordham Law School. The “Gunner Games” are an annual event where one male and female student from each of the 1L class’s 12 sections are selected to compete in a televised battle to the death. The Gunner Games were first instituted by Fordham Law administration in 2008, in direct response to the collapse of the legal economy and dearth of jobs for newly- minted lawyers.
“The Gunner Games have been an excellent way to keep Fordham’s employment statistics relatively high, since fewer students means less competition for the existing jobs. Some law school administrations fudge employment data. We prefer a more transparent approach,” Said Deborah Manning, co-associate-director of the Fordham Law Career Services Bureau.
Originally, participants for the Gunner Games were to be selected at random by a lottery process, similar to that used in OCI. However, the effectiveness of the lottery was questioned after a number of enthusiastic Fordham students eagerly volunteered to participate. “I raised my hand to tell an incredibly relevant (and might I add humorous) anecdote about when I worked for legal-aid last summer,” said Stacy Meltzer, female contestant from section 4 who accidentally volunteered for the upcoming ’13 Games. “I just really wanted to share my experiences–not volunteer for a blood orgy.” Students who volunteer and then revoke are not allowed to participate in Fall OCI or the annual PILC fair.
Contestants will have the opportunity to win gifts like food or medicine from fellow students to aid them in the battle. Past donations to Gunner Games contestants have included used napkins, slightly inaccurate outlines, and expired bags of Cooler Ranch Doritos™. “I sent that bitch some dried out highlighters. The look on her face when she opened the box and realized it wasn’t food or medicine was priceless,” chuckled Karen Calloway, sectionmate of Rebecca Burgess of the 2010 Gunner Games (now deceased).
“I volunteered because I am confident in my ability to win this year’s Gunner Games. Or at least be in the top 33% percent,” remarked Matthew Chiu, male contestant from section 11. “My GPA and LSAT are way above Fordham’s medians, so statistically I have the upper hand. If there are 24 contestants, I am pretty much guaranteed to be more intelligent than at least 20 of them. Likewise, my past experiences working at a tech start-up in the Gobi desert badlands instilled with me superb survival skills I feel the majority of my classmates lack. Even if there are students who rival me in sheer intellect (low risk), it is highly unlikely that they also possess a similar physical prowess. Here’s a hypo: it’s down to me, that doughy girl you see in the library 24/7, and the kid with the overbearing Asian father. She’s right out because she doesn’t know how to a start a fire using only sticky-tabs and tree moss. And the other kid, well, he can read ‘Getting to Maybe’ and ‘Gilbert’s Guide to Hand to Hand Combat’ all he wants, but let’s just say that stuff–it comes naturally for me. Oh, and hubris.”
The winner of the Gunner Games is guaranteed a summer associate position at Skadden Arps, LLP while students of the winning section will all be offered temporary document review jobs in the Skadden sub-basement as well as novelty totes and LexisNexis points. The bodies of unsuccessful contestants will be buried behind the construction zone of the new law school building, but will nonetheless be counted as “permanently employed” for the upcoming year’s employment data.
*This column is a work of satire and all of the people and incidents described are purely fictional. The opinions expressed are solely expressed for entertainment value and should not be considered the actual opinions of The Record or Fordham Law. The columnist’s name is a pseudonym, to protect the author from employers without a sense of humor.